


Ineffable Bureaucracy

by TrekBec82



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental Plot, Butt Plugs, Communication is important!, Falling In Love, First Time, Food Sex, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Oops - How Did That Plot Get There?, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Practical Sex Ed, Rope Bondage, Waxing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:26:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekBec82/pseuds/TrekBec82
Summary: Beelzebub teaches Gabriel more than just kissing. Who knows where this might lead...





	1. I Don't Think You Know

**Author's Note:**

> I had no intentions of writing more fic after the Ineffable Husbands series was done, but a lovely comment on part 8 made me change my mind. So [Ange](https://twitter.com/RobertGuile3?s=09), this is all your fault. Thank you!
> 
> If you'd like to follow me on Tumblr - where I share loads of Good Omens posts and a sprinkling of other things - you can do so at [TrekBec82](http://trekbec82.tumblr.com/).
> 
> If you've read my Ineffable Husbands series, you may have noticed that I'm a bit of a soundtrack fiend.  
Please see the end notes for a growing list of songs that you might like to have on in the background while you read - with chapter title tracks first.
> 
> You can now find the entire playlist on [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXBALksKVRE3oZ6T7JJ6J3jQ4L5DIBV-L) and [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1rbnnkAdUfrgxNj40hNbjF?si=ZBAWB3HPSBGKW3bZE6Rvnw).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beelzebub follows through on their promise to teach Gabriel about "the pleasures of the flesh".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title comes from The Pussycat Dolls - Buttons.

_"There are MANY thingzzz I could teach you..._  
_You’re a dezzzent student. And I am an EXZZZELLENT teacher..._  
_Pick a time and a plazzze - I’ll be there to teach you…"_

Gabriel couldn't get Beelzebub's words out of his head. He'd gatecrashed Aziraphale and Crowley's New Year's party and kissed Beelzebub at midnight, then had kissing lessons under the willow tree because - as someone who'd never kissed anyone before - he'd been completely incompetent at it. He had also - if Beelzebub was to be believed - been a quick study - and discovered what lust felt like. He was pretty sure he was feeling lust again now, thinking about kissing Beelzebub, and their promise to teach him "the pleazzzurezzz of the flesh". He shouldn't take them up on that offer. He shouldn't even be contemplating it. But oh, the way it had felt when Beelzebub leapt into his arms! He wanted to feel that again. He wanted their legs wrapped around him, their hands in his hair, and their tongue in his mouth. He wanted… Well, he wanted things an angel shouldn't want, and so he was fighting the urge to contact Beelzebub - and losing. 

Beelzebub meanwhile was sitting in Dagon's office, feet propped up on the desk, discussing possibilities for their replacement. Dagon had clearly fallen for Eric, and would inevitably become a Caretaker themselves sooner or later - so Beelzebub had confronted them upon their return to Hell, and between the two of them they were now trying to figure out who the Heaven could be the next Lord of the Files and Master of Torments. The problem was, Dagon was just so good at their job that nobody of a lower rank - or anyone of a higher rank except Beelzebub (or Satan himself) - could possibly handle both roles. They were contemplating Ligur as Lord of the Files and Hastur as Master of Torments when Beelzebub's phone buzzed. They checked the message, and smiled.  
"Gabriel?" Dagon asked.  
"Yeah, Dumbazzzzz," Beelzebub replied fondly, before realising their mistake.  
"Your secret is safe with me, Beelz. What's Dumbass want?"  
"Me. ASAP. Anywhere I like. Or so he sayzzz."  
"What are you going to do?"  
"Let him stew for at leazzzt an hour before I reply," Beelzebub said with a wicked grin.  
"And then?"  
"Then I'm going to fuck his brainzzz out." 

Gabriel was pacing back and forth, checking his phone every 5-10 seconds, wondering why Beelzebub hadn’t replied yet. Had they not received the message? Had they received it but not seen it? Had they seen it and been too busy to reply? Had they seen it and CHOSEN not to reply? Had they changed their mind, and decided not to teach him anything more? Were they purposely making him wait? Were they talking about him behind his back, laughing at the stupid angel who wanted sex lessons from the second highest ranking demon in Hell? And more importantly - why was he so worried about any of these things? He should WANT Beelzebub to turn him down. He should WANT Beelzebub to ignore his message. He didn’t want either of those things though. He wanted Beelzebub. 

BZZZT BZZZT  
Finally, FINALLY, his phone buzzed. He held his breath as he opened the message - from Dagon. It was a group text, informing The Revolution that they were officially tendering their resignation as Lord of the Files and Master of Torments, and would be seeking Aziraphale and Crowley’s assistance in their application to God for Caretaker status. Well. That was good for Dagon, he supposed. It might also explain why he hadn’t heard from Beelzebub - as Dagon’s superior, they would have been involved in the resignation process. He could wait a little longer before trying again. He didn’t want to seem TOO desperate. 

Another 20 minutes passed before his phone buzzed again. Gabriel nearly dropped it in his haste to read the message.  
“Dumbass - meet me in 1 hour at Choccywoccydoodah. You can buy me dessert.”  
Gabriel had to do the internet search thing Michael had taught him, in order to find out where on Earth Choccywoccydoodah was. London. A shop that sold chocolates and cakes. That seemed promising. He’d enjoyed the chocolate cake at the party, and Beelzebub was willing to meet up, so it seemed like maybe they’d just been busy, not avoiding him. What if this was a ruse though? What if Beelzebub had no intention of sharing dessert and teaching him, and this was a trap? God help him, he was starting to understand people with anxiety. He never had before, but suddenly he was questioning everything, and-- oh! THIS IS HOW CROWLEY FELL. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!!!!!!! And now he was swearing. Perfect. Anxiety and swearing and lusting after the Prince of Hell. If that wasn’t a recipe for disaster he didn’t know what was.

Beelzebub, on the other hand, was looking forward to a large serving of Death By Chocolate cake, and getting laid. They hadn’t in a while - and never with an angel - so they were excited by the prospect of teaching Gabriel some of the most enjoyable skills in their repertoire. They’d Made An Effort in preparation, and even changed into fresh clothing - a crisp white shirt with a ridiculous number of tiny buttons both in the front and on the sleeves, black pants which hugged their figure slightly more than their usual preference, underbust corset in striped black satin, black jacket with almost as many buttons as the shirt, red silk cravat, and black leather shoes which had been buffed until they gleamed. As Prince of Hell they didn’t NEED the excuse of temptation to look this good - but it helped.

Gabriel had also changed his attire - about 20 times - before he’d settled on his usual suit. He didn’t want to arouse suspicion, and the only other clothing he wore regularly was his tracksuit for running - which was entirely too casual a choice for what he hoped would eventuate. He read Beelzebub’s message again as he waited for their arrival. “You can buy me dessert.” No mention of any lessons. Shit! What if he’d completely misunderstood their intentions, and they just wanted cake? Well, cake was still good, he supposed. Just cake was better than it being a trap, after all. And just cake could maybe lead to lessons another time. Just cake wasn’t a Falling sin, either - Aziraphale had proven that, with all the food he’d consumed in 6000 years. Maybe just cake was better than cake and sex. But he WANTED the sex. Or at least he thought he did. Maybe he’d try it and find out he didn’t like it. Or find out he didn’t like it the way Beelzebub did it. What if kissing was all he liked doing with Beelzebub? Damn it all to Hell, he was anxious again! Where WAS the blasted demon?!

Beelzebub opened the door of Choccywoccydoodah and stuck their head out.  
“Get in here, dumbazzz! What are you doing waiting outzzzide?”  
“You didn’t say whether to meet you inside or outside.” Gabriel explained.  
“It’zzz London, it’zzz winter, and it’zzz raining - of courzzze I meant inzzzide. Idiot.”  
“Well, when you put it like that I suppose it should have been obvious.”  
“Of courzzze it should have been obviouzzz. Moron.”  
All of these insults were reminding Gabriel of New Year’s, when Beelzebub had called him names and taught him to kiss. His Effort twitched at the reminder, and he hurried inside, hoping nobody had noticed. 

As the door closed behind him he looked around, and was astounded by the vast array of sweets available. He realised that Beelzebub was standing at a cabinet of cakes and desserts, and went to join them.  
“What would you like?” he asked the demon.  
“Death By Chocolate, you nincompoop. Honezzztly, are you alwayzzz this stupid?”  
Gabriel’s Effort twitched at the two insults so close together, and he took a deep breath to steady himself. Thankfully the staff member came to take their order a moment later, and they went to a nearby table and sat down to wait for their cake.

It was divine! They both enjoyed the cake so much that Gabriel went and ordered another slice for them to share. He let Beelzebub have the last bite, hoping that it might earn him a little appreciation. When they were done, Beelzebub licked their lips and wiped their mouth with a napkin, then went around the store amassing a sizeable collection of sweets and treats, which Gabriel insisted on paying for. It seemed like the right thing to do. They then left the store, and Beelzebub walked away with neither a backward glance nor a word of farewell. Gabriel wasn’t sure whether to follow or not until Beelzebub called out, “you coming or what, dumbazzz?” and then he raced to catch up with them.

Beelzebub strode confidently down the street, crossing without looking, and generally acting as though they owned the world. At last they stopped outside a hotel, and turned to put a hand on Gabriel’s chest.  
“If you go in here with me you will do exzzzactly azzz I say without argument. You may azzzk for clarification if you do not underzzztand an inzzztruction, but you may not azzzk WHY. I am in charge. My word izzz law. If I say turn, you turn - if I say kneel, you kneel - if I say jump, you say ‘how high?’ - izzz that clear?”  
“Crystal.”  
“Then let’zzz go.”  
They walked into the hotel and directly to the lifts, which they took to the top floor. Beelzebub opened the door - clearly they’d prearranged the room - and stalked inside. It wasn’t just a room, it was an entire suite, and a large one at that. Perhaps large enough for them to spread their wings. An interesting development, to be sure. Putting the bag of sweets on the counter, Beelzebub walked into the bedroom and said “stop looking around and get in here, idiot.”  
Gabriel followed, and stood facing the Prince of Hell. 

“Right. We’ve ezzztablished that you don’t know how to do anything - except kizzz, because I already taught you that - so that izzz where we will begin.”  
Beelzebub kissed Gabriel, and began to undo the buttons of his coat.  
They broke the kiss, and said “removing clothing izzz not ezzzential, but I find it preferable in mozzzt circumzzztanzzzezzz. Azzz you have never done any of thizzz before, it will be eazzzier to teach you if you can see what we are doing, and what we are doing it with. I will remove your clothing. You will remove mine. I have intentionally worn clothing which will challenge you. The reward for removing my clothing will be seeing my body and having it prezzzed against yourzzz. If you cannot remove an item without uzzzing miraclezzz, you will not see or touch the partzzz of the body covered by it. Underzzztood, moron?”  
“Understood.”  
“Good. Start your attemptzzz.”  
Beelzebub resumed kissing Gabriel, and undid the remaining buttons of his coat, while Gabriel attempted to undo the buttons of Beelzebub’s jacket. The buttons were however so small and numerous that he could not undo them whilst kissing. This time Gabriel broke the kiss, and said “I need to look at what I’m doing. Is that alright?”  
“You may look.”

Gabriel looked intently at the buttons and feared that they were too delicate for his fingers, but was determined not to give up - he really wanted these lessons, and they wouldn’t happen if he couldn’t do even this much right! After several attempts he found a technique that worked, and undid all the buttons on the jacket. Beelzebub rewarded this achievement by removing his coat, and allowing him to remove their jacket. With no regard for the coat, Beelzebub dropped it on the floor near the bedroom door. Gabriel carefully folded the jacket and laid it on top of his coat, then returned to Beelzebub, pulled them close, and kissed them again, groaning with pleasure at the sensation of having their tongue in his mouth. Beelzebub swiftly undid the buttons of his waistcoat and removed it, tossing it on top of the coat and jacket, then pulled on his tie to force his head down as they stretched themselves up. Gabriel took the hint and kissed Beelzebub’s neck, untying and removing their cravat as he did so, then running his thumbs over and behind their ears, cradling their head in his hands.

Beelzebub pulled at the knot of Gabriel’s tie, sliding it undone, and threw it carelessly towards the slowly growing pile of garments.Gabriel licked and sucked at the shell of Beelzebub’s ear, then asked “how do I remove this?” running his hands over the sides of the corset as he did so.  
Beelzebub turned in Gabriel’s arms, and said “untie the knot, then loozzzen the lazzzezzz.”  
Gabriel worked the knot undone then asked “how do I loosen the laces?”  
“You know how to loozzzen shoelazzzezzz, don’t you, dumbazzz?”  
“Of course.”  
“The same way. They’re juzzzt a lot longer.”  
“Oh. I guess that makes sense.”  
“Of courzzze it doezzz, you drip.”  
Gabriel’s Effort twinged at being called names again, and he wondered what that meant, so as he carefully loosened the laces of the corset, he asked.  
Beelzebub laughed, and said “I think it meanzzz you have an inzzzult kink!”  
“An insult kink? What does that mean?”  
“It meanzzz you get turned on when I inzzzult you, moron.”  
“Is that not normal?”  
“It’zzz not about being normal or not, it just IZZZ. People have thingzzz that turn them on, and me calling you namezzz izzz one of yourzzz. Probably becauzzze you azzzozzziate it with me kizzzing you, which you enjoy.”

“I see. Do you have an insult kink?” Gabriel asked.  
“No, idiot, I don’t have an inzzzult kink. I have a power kink. I like to be in control. THAT izzz why I’m teaching you. I can control your every move, and make you enjoy each moment of being powerlezzz.”  
“Ah. Are the laces loosened enough now, or do they need to be looser than this?”  
“That’s loozzze enough. Come around the front.”  
Gabriel moved around Beelzebub, and stood before them.  
“Watch carefully. I will do this THIZZZ time so that you don’t damage the buzzzk of the corzzzet. If I wear a corzzzet again, YOU will remove it in future. Got it, nitwit?”  
His effort twinged again at ‘nitwit’, and he muttered a quick “yeah, got it.”  
He watched as Beelzebub unhooked the front of the corset, and took it from them, adding it carefully to the pile of clothing. Upon his return, he noticed how many buttons were on the shirt Beelzebub was wearing, and sighed. “Are you trying to torture me?” he asked.  
“If I were torturing you, you’d know it, you blithering fool. I told you earlier, I wore clothing that would challenge you. If you don’t want to undo the buttonzzz, you don’t get to see what’zzz beneath.”  
“I want to see.”  
“Then do the buttonzzz.”

Gabriel kissed Beelzebub again, needing the slip and slide of lips and tongues to compensate for the irritation of dozens of tiny buttons. As he finished with the front and was about to slide the shirt from their shoulders, Beelzebub raised one arm between them. Gabriel broke the kiss to see why, and noticed another row of buttons on the sleeve, which would need to be undone before the shirt could come off. He felt the other sleeve, which had just as many as the first.  
“How did you do all these buttons up?” he asked.  
“I did the front, Dagon did the sleevezzz for me.”  
“Dagon did the sleeves?”  
“One lazzzt favour before they’re no longer mine to command,” Beelzebub said cheerfully.  
“Damn them.”  
“That’zzz my job.” Beelzebub chuckled.  
Gabriel undid the buttons of each sleeve as they kissed again, then slid the shirt down Beelzebub’s arms, and tossed it to the growing stack of garments by the door. Beelzebub wore nothing under their shirt, so their small breasts and flat abdomen were now exposed. Gabriel put his hands on Beelzebub’s sides just above the waistband of their pants and kissed them again, his Effort beginning to get quite firm within his own.

Beelzebub broke the kiss to say “put your handzzz on my breastzzz. Cup them, and run your thumbzzz over the nipplezzz.” Resuming the kiss, Gabriel did as instructed, and must have done it right, as Beelzebub moaned softly into his mouth when he did so. Beelzebub swiftly undid the buttons of Gabriel’s shirt and slid it from him, dropping it next to them to avoid breaking the kiss again so soon. Beelzebub ran their thumbs over Gabriel’s nipples, and he instantly realised why the demon had told him to do it - it felt amazing! Beelzebub then grazed his nipples with their nails, and his Effort twinged with the pleasure of it. They both groped for the other’s pants at the same time, quickly toeing shoes off before kicking them away, their pants following seconds later. They took turns lifting their feet to remove their socks, then with nothing remaining but underwear their hands explored each other’s bodies - Gabriel mimicking Beelzebub’s movements a few seconds after they made them.

After kissing and fondling for quite some time, Beelzebub hooked their thumbs into the waistband of Gabriel’s boxers, and slid them down over his hips - and his now very erect Effort. After kicking his own underwear away, Gabriel ran his hands over Beelzebub’s backside, surprised at the pale blue lace which contrasted so greatly with the rest of their now absent attire.  
“Kneel, Gabriel,” Beelzebub commanded.  
He knelt, hands still on their rear, holding on as though it was the only thing keeping him from discorporating.  
“Remove the knickerzzz. Slowly.”  
Gabriel brought his hands around to Beelzebub’s hip bones, tucked the tips of his fingers into the band of their underwear, then slowly slid them down a little. Returning to the rear, he did the same. Alternating front to back, Gabriel reverently slid Beelzebub’s knickers down, running his hands over thighs and calves until the underwear reached their ankles, and they stepped out of them.  
Beelzebub had a patch of dark hair curling on their pubic mound, which Gabriel kissed, holding onto their hips as he did so.

“Come over to the bed - do not get off your kneezzz,” Beelzebub ordered, then went to the bed and sat near the edge of it. Gabriel followed, walking on his knees. Beelzebub spread their legs, putting one on either side of Gabriel as he came near. Gabriel could now see Beelzebub’s Effort - very different from his own, it was a slick opening, and he guessed correctly how they might fit together. Leaning back and resting on their elbows, Beelzebub told Gabriel to look closely, then explained exactly how different their Effort was, and detailed what he should do if he intended to please them. He gently slid one finger between Beelzebub’s lower lips, to the place he’d been told was most sensitive. Beelzebub arched their back when he did so, and he smiled slightly at having successfully located it. He then located it again with his tongue, earning a quiet moan from the demon before him. The moisture below tasted very different from Beelzebub’s mouth, but was surprisingly pleasant, and Gabriel lapped at it, moving his tongue back and forth between the opening and the little nub that Beelzebub had said was called a clitoris, or clit for short. 

“When you reach the clit, move your tongue from side to side before going back again, so it makezzz a T,” Beelzebub told him.  
He did so, and Beelzebub bucked against his tongue each time.  
“Fazzzter,” they ordered.  
Gabriel sped up, and Beelzebub bucked harder against him, clutching the bedding.  
“Now just focuzzz on the clit.”  
Beelzebub moaned, then wrapped their legs around his neck and dug their heels into his back, adding “fazzzter!”  
He flicked his tongue across the clit as fast as he could, Beelzebub gasping and shuddering against him, their thighs locked against either side of his face.  
“DON’T! STOP!” they managed to get out between gasps.  
Gabriel continued the frantic pace until Beelzebub made a sound that was an amalgam of moan, groan, and screech, then lay back, twitching and panting. He slowed the movement of his tongue, and resumed the previous T motion, while Beelzebub continued to twitch before him. A surprisingly gentle hand moved its fingers through his hair, and Beelzebub said, “You can stop now.” He took one final long lick, then looked up to see Beelzebub sitting again, smiling.

“Was that alright?” Gabriel asked.  
“That wazzz fantazzztic. You may be dumber than a pile of brickzzz in every other rezzzpect, but you follow instructionzzz exzzzeedingly well,” Beelzebub replied.  
“I was worried, when you made that noise…”  
“That’zzz a good noizzze. Lozzzing control like that izzz a good thing. I’d be willing to bet you make a similar noizzze when you orgazzzm.”  
“So that’s an orgasm?”  
“Yezzz.”  
“What does it feel like?” Gabriel queried.  
“Like nothing elzzze in the world. It’s impozzzible to dezzzcribe with any accurazzzy. You have to have one to know.”  
“Could I have one?”  
“You probably COULD. Do you WANT to?” Beelzebub teased.  
“Will you please help me to have an orgasm, Beelzebub?” Gabriel asked politely.  
“On one condition.”  
“What condition?” he asked, nervously.  
“You clean up the mezzz afterwardzzz.”  
“What mess? There was no mess when you had yours.”  
“Becauzzze my body izzz different to yourzzz. With yourzzz, there will be a mezzz.”  
“Oh. Well, alright, yes, I promise to clean up any mess I make.”  
“In that cazzze, stand up.”

Gabriel stood, and suddenly realised how sore his knees had become without his noticing.  
“Over there - back to the wall,” Beelzebub demanded.  
Gabriel moved to stand where Beelzebub had indicated, wondering why they weren’t using the bed.  
“Now, let’zzz see how long you lazzzt when it izzz your turn.”  
Gabriel’s Effort had become less erect while he’d been focused on pleasing Beelzebub, but the moment the demon kissed him it started to rise again. Beelzebub grasped it in one hand, and tugged slowly down its length.  
Gabriel nearly fell over with the sensation, until Beelzebub used the other hand to push him back against the wall. Ducking their head, they took one nipple between their teeth, grazing and running their tongue over it while one hand continued its slow and methodical massage of his Effort. When it was at full attention, Beelzebub knelt before Gabriel, and took it in their mouth. Gabriel nearly fell over a second time, and Beelzebub had to push him against the wall with both hands. He soon grew used to the sensation, and leaned his head back against the wall, enjoying the feel of Beelzebub’s lips and tongue on his Effort. He carded his fingers through the Prince of Hell’s hair as he moaned his pleasure - massaging their scalp with his fingertips, which they seemed to enjoy.

The intensity of Gabriel’s pleasure was increasing when Beelzebub released his Effort from their mouth, licking the tip one last time as they did so.  
“I…” Gabriel began, but Beelzebub cut him off.  
“I know you haven’t. You will though.”  
“OK.”  
“Kizzz me, dumbazzz,” they ordered.  
Gabriel enjoyed following this instruction, and did so with gusto. Beelzebub wrapped their arms around his neck, and jumped. Gabriel grabbed their hips, and they wrapped their legs around him, before releasing one hand from his neck to snake between them. Beelzebub raised their hips a little, grasped Gabriel’s Effort, and repositioned both it and themselves, then lowered themselves back down carefully, his Effort now inside their’s. Gabriel let out a gasp, and Beelzebub smiled. Gabriel spun, pressing the demon against the wall, and began to move instinctively. Digging their heels into his thighs, Beelzebub moved with him, gradually increasing their speed. Grasping Beelzebub’s backside with one hand and leaning against the wall with the other, Gabriel came, gasping and groaning into Beelzebub’s ear.

When at last he was again capable of actual words, Gabriel said, “I can see why you said it’s indescribable!”  
“I do not lie about important thingzzz such azzz that. Now, walk to the bathroom before we have too much mezzz to clean.”  
“What do you mean? There’s no mess.”  
“There will be. It’zzz currently inzzzide me.”  
“Oh!”  
Gabriel walked swiftly to the bathroom, Beelzebub still clinging to him and his Effort still inside their’s.  
“Shower.”  
Gabriel stepped into the shower, and Beelzebub turned the taps on, steaming hot water streaming around them.  
“You can put me down now.”  
Gabriel did so reluctantly, and held the demon close, kissing them and smoothing wet hair out of their eyes. After a while Beelzebub moved out of his encircling arms, and dutifully cleaned themselves. Gabriel followed suit, before cupping their face in his hands and kissing them once again.

When the water became noticeably less hot, Beelzebub turned off the taps and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a fluffy white towel around themselves and walking out to the living area. They grabbed the bag of sweets and a chair, which they spun around so that the back of it was against the edge of the table. Draping the towel over the chair, they straddled it, and released their wings into the mortal plane. Gabriel did likewise at the opposite side of the table, and they smiled at each other. Sitting naked, wings outstretched - after excellent sex and a hot shower - they were both more content and relaxed than they’d been in a long time, and it showed. With Beelzebub’s selection of confectionery added to the mix, it could be argued they’d never felt better.

“You’re a fazzzt learner, I’ll give you that, dumbazzz,” they said.  
“I believe my teacher deserves at least half the credit for that,” Gabriel replied.  
“Flattery will get you nowhere, idiot.”  
“It’s not flattery, it’s the truth - and besides that - I don’t want to go anywhere.”  
“Moron.”  
“Maybe. But I think I might be YOUR moron.”  
“Satan prezzzerve me, you are NOT in love with me!”  
“I didn’t say I was in love, I said I was your moron. I’m sure you could teach me more than you have today.”  
“That izzz true, yezzz.”  
“Well then. How long do you have this hotel for?”  
“I own it.”  
“Does that mean we can come here any time we want?”  
“Yezzz.”  
“Excellent. When’s the next lesson?”  
“Now, and the lezzzon izzz delayed gratification. Eat chocolate and shut up.”  
“Yes boss.”  
And he shoved an entire chocolate truffle in his mouth.


	2. Meet Me In My Boudoir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel can't answer the phone right now - he's a little tied up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from S&M by Rihanna.
> 
> If you don't know what Tim Tams are, you're really missing out!

BZZT BZZT "Hotel 2pm. Bring snacks. 🐝"   
Beelzebub had taken to signing their text messages with a bee emoji because - much to their disgust - there wasn't one of a fly. Gabriel looked forward to receiving these messages, and the lessons that inevitably followed - he'd learnt a lot from the Prince of Hell in the last few months, and genuinely enjoyed their company besides. Beelzebub always demanded snacks, and Gabriel always supplied them - he figured it was the least he could do to repay the demon for their efforts in teaching him - and it gave them an excuse to spend more time together. He made sure to always include chocolate in some form because it was the thing they both enjoyed most, and he'd made a point of finding different varieties in an effort to surprise Beelzebub. This time he was bringing a selection of chocolate biscuits from Australia, called Tim Tams. He'd had difficulty deciding which flavours to buy as there were so many, and had eventually decided to just go the whole hog and buy a packet of each. They didn't have to eat them all today, after all. And if Beelzebub didn’t like them, well, Gabriel could just offer them to his fellow angels. It would be kind of him to offer his colleagues a treat, after all.

BZZT BZZT "CU then. 🐩"   
Gabriel had been trying for weeks to decide on an emoji to use as his signature for their text conversation, and settled on the poodle when he realised he'd become Beelzebub's little bitch. They called, he came running. They gave a command, he obeyed like a well-trained puppy. He also took pride in his appearance, so the poodle suited him better than the regular dog emoji. He wondered what Beelzebub intended to teach him today. They’d covered an extraordinary number of techniques and positions already, but apparently he still had a lot to learn. He’d had no idea there were so many ways to make the body feel good - it seemed the possibilities were endless. The fact that Humanity had come up with most of these options themselves was impressive. Beelzebub said that their ability to find alternatives was one of the best things about people - and not just relating to sex.

Gabriel arrived at the hotel at 1:55pm - he didn’t like to keep Beelzebub waiting - and took the lift directly to the penthouse. Beelzebub opened the door as he arrived - they’d discovered they could sense each other’s proximity after such prolonged contact. He put the bag of Tim Tams on the table as he walked past it, and began to strip off as he proceeded to the bedroom. Beelzebub was already wearing very little - a sheer cream camisole and French knickers in pale pink lace. Their underwear had continued to contrast vastly with their outerwear, and Gabriel had to admit he rather enjoyed being the only person who knew this fact. When he was down to nothing but his boxers, he pushed Beelzebub against the wall and kissed them passionately. Beelzebub responded by biting his lower lip, and spinning the two of them so fast that Gabriel’s back hit the wall hard.

“I’m in charge here, remember?” the demon snarled.  
“I remember just fine - but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you, Beelz,” the angel responded, as he ran his hands under the edge of the camisole.  
“Filthy whoring angel.”  
“That’s me.” Gabriel grinned, sliding his hands up Beelzebub’s sides underneath the cami until he reached their breasts, which he fondled - nibbling at their neck as he did so.  
“Sinzzze when are you so confident at thizzz?”   
“Since you taught me everything I know. What am I learning today?”  
“Today you’re getting tied to the bed.”   
Gabriel’s hands stopped moving and he lifted his head to look Beelzebub in the eye.   
“I know ‘why’ is usually a question I’m not supposed to ask, but I’m assuming there’s a reason for that?”  
“Of courzzze there’zzz a reazzzon, dumbazzz.”  
“Would you care to share it with me?”  
“No. You’ll either figure it out yourzzzelf, or it will drive you mad wondering.”  
“Then I suppose I’d better hope I figure it out, hadn’t I?”  
“We’ll conzzzider it a tezzzt of how stupid you are today.” 

Beelzebub slipped out of Gabriel’s grasp, and swiftly removed his underwear.  
“Get on the bed. Lay on your back, spread eagle. Now.”  
He did as instructed, and Beelzebub followed to the foot of the bed, where there were several lengths of rope. Beelzebub looped and twirled the rope expertly in their hands, binding each of Gabriel’s ankles to the bedposts before moving to the head of the bed and doing the same with his wrists. They then climbed onto the bed, kneeling between Gabriel’s thighs, and folded the final length of rope in half. 

“Thizzz izzz called bondage. You will not miracle yourzzzelf free - if you wish to be releazzzed you muzzzt azzzk - and our lezzzon will end. Do you truzzzt me not to harm you while you are bound?”  
“I trust you, Beelz. One question though?”  
“Azzzk.”  
“What exactly am I supposed to do, while I’m tied up here?”  
As Beelzebub described their intentions they ran the looped rope over Gabriel’s skin.  
Teasing one nipple, they said “You are the entree…”   
Dragging the rope across his Effort, they added “the main courzzze…”  
Teasing the other nipple, they continued “the dezzzert…”  
And leaning over Gabriel so that their torsos almost touched, said “and the platter upon which it izzz served.”  
Rubbing their crotch against his, they spoke seductively. “I intend to feazzzt upon your flesh, until I have had my fill. And you will enjoy every…” they kissed his jaw, “exquizzzite...” licked his neck, “bite,” and tugged on one earlobe with their teeth.   
Gabriel arched his back and bucked his hips under Beelzebub, but couldn’t move much, bound as he was.

Beelzebub gave a pleased little smirk at this response, and reached across to the bedside table - putting their breast nearly within reach of Gabriel’s mouth. He lifted his head and took their nipple gently between his teeth, through the thin camisole which they still wore. The demon flicked the rope at the angel’s thigh, swatting him lightly with it.   
“Behave!” they ordered.  
“Make me,” Gabriel said, with an answering smirk of his own. He may be Beelzebub’s bitch, but he was starting to regain some of his old swagger.   
“Oh, like that, izzz it?”  
“I think it might be like that, yes.”  
“Very well. Let’zzz see how you handle a spot of torture.”  
“Torture?”  
“Of the good kind. I won’t harm you, Gabriel - but I’ll have you BEGGING for releazzze by the end.”

The bedside table contained an interesting assortment of objects, if one cared to look. A large feather. A tray of ice cubes - miracled to stay frozen no matter how long they sat there. A bottle of Beelzebub’s favourite chocolate sauce. A pot of hot wax, with strips of clean fabric. Body lotion in a large bottle with a pump. A tube of lubricant. And something that Gabriel didn’t recognise - and was very curious about.  
“You’ll recall - if you’re not a TOTAL moron - that I told you pain can be pleazzzurable. Human women have an axzzziom that Hell would love to take credit for - beauty izzz pain. They wear shoezzz that damage their feet, they wear clothing that rezzztrictzzz their movement - and they remove body hair with waxzzz. The lazzzt one izzz our focuzzz now. It will hurt - but you will enjoy the senzzzationzzz when I am done, I can promizzze you that.”

Beelzebub climbed off the bed, and took up the pot of hot wax. Using a spatula, they spread it on Gabriel’s shin, then covered it with one of the fabric strips, pressing down firmly. He gasped at the heat, then again with the pain as Beelzebub ripped the fabric from his leg in one smooth swift motion. His eyes watered, and he dreaded it happening again. With barely contained glee, Beelzebub repeated this process over and over, removing every hair from both legs - releasing one ankle at a time to reach the back, before restraining them again. When both legs were completely denuded Beelzebub applied some of the lotion, massaging it thoroughly into Gabriel’s newly-sensitised skin - paying special attention to his inner thighs, which provoked a response from his Effort. They then collected the feather, and knelt once more between Gabriel’s legs. 

At that moment, Gabriel’s phone rang. The angel gave Beelzebub a startled look, and they dived off the bed to find it in his pants pocket. Swiping the screen to allow the connection, Beelzebub answered saying “Gabriel can’t come to the phone right now, he’zzz a little tied up,” and immediately disconnected the call. Tossing the phone on the bedside table, they resumed their previous position, and acting as though there had been no interruption, stroked Gabriel on the inner side of one leg with the feather - from ankle to Effort and back again, sweeping it slowly across his skin - watching him shiver as the soft touch moved along the tender flesh. They then swept back up to his increasingly erect Effort - teasing the underside of it from root to tip and down - before moving to the other leg. After several repetitions of the meandering feather Gabriel was sighing and squirming, and Beelzebub discarded it in favour of an ice cube. With it they drew patterns on his torso, occasionally circling or crossing over a nipple. They gradually increased the frequency with which this occurred, then held it against one until the cold became too much to bear and Gabriel moaned loudly. Beelzebub sucked the pert flesh warm once more, before doing the same on the other side. 

By this time Gabriel’s Effort was almost fully erect, so Beelzebub popped the remains of the ice cube in their mouth, and grabbed the bottle of chocolate sauce. Beelzebub made patterns once again - spirals with Gabriel’s nipples at their centre, wavy lines snaking down his abdomen, and long dotted lines from his knees to his Effort. They then lapped up these lines of chocolate, working from nipple and knee to Effort, and licking it smoothly from root to tip each time they reached it. When all the sauce had been removed, Beelzebub grasped the base of Gabriel’s Effort in one hand, licked their lips, and took the head of it within their mouth. Gabriel groaned and strained against his bonds, bucking his hips in time with Beelzebub’s bobbing head, riding the wave of pleasure until at last he came, panting and whimpering as the demon drank him dry.

Beelzebub was far from finished though. As soon as Gabriel had stopped shuddering, they stood between his knees, and removed both their camisole and knickers, tossing them to the floor. They then walked up the bed - one foot either side of Gabriel - until their feet were level with his head. Holding onto the bed frame, they squatted down so that their own slick Effort was directly above his mouth, and their intent could not have been more obvious. Gabriel applied himself with relish - kissing, licking and sucking until Beelzebub reached their quivering climax with the sound he’d never heard from anyone but them as they came.

The knowledge that he’d successfully pleased the demon had the effect on his Effort of bringing it back to firmness, which Beelzebub noticed when they stood and jumped off the bed. They grabbed the tube of lube and as-yet-unidentified object, and knelt once more between Gabriel’s legs. Holding it up, they said “thizzz izzz a butt plug, and there are two wayzzz we can use it - in your azzz, or in mine. Today, it’zzz going in yourzzz. There are many different typezzz, ranging in sizzze and material - I have selected one appropriate for a beginner, but if you enjoy it we can try otherzzz in future. Do you have any questionzzz?”  
“Uh...yeah, I do. What the heck, Beelz?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Why are you sticking something up my butt?”  
“It izzz full of nerve endingzzz. It feelzzz pleazzzant to stimulate thozzze nerve endingzzz.”  
“You’re kidding, right?”  
“Have I ever kidded with you about thezzze thingzzz before?”  
“Well...no…”  
“And I am not kidding now.”  
“O...kay then.” With a crease between his brows, Gabriel took a deep breath, and nodded his assent.

Beelzebub applied a liberal amount of lubricant to the plug, and carefully inserted it, watching Gabriel’s face as it went in. His pleasantly surprised “OH!” brought a grin to their face. They then turned and straddled Gabriel with their back to him, knees tucked tightly against his splayed hips. Grasping his Effort they inserted it into their own, and rode him - slowly at first, but gradually picking up speed until they both came, gasping and quaking. When they were again capable of moving, Beelzebub lay along one smooth leg, and untied it from the bedpost, before doing the same to the other. They then turned, and slid their way up Gabriel’s torso, reaching across to release his wrists before collapsing against him, their head tucked into his neck. Finally free to move his limbs but now unable to move the rest of his body, Gabriel wrapped himself around the demon, and stroked their back. 

After laying there peacefully for some time, Gabriel kissed the top of Beelzebub’s head, and they stirred.   
“Don’t,” they said.  
“Don’t what?” he asked.  
“Don’t be affectionate. We’re not affectionate. We’re not a couple in love - we’re an angel and a demon who fuck.”  
“We don’t have to be in love with each other to be affectionate, do we? Can’t I just show my appreciation with something other than food?”  
“No, Gabriel, you can’t. If you’re going to get all gooey and mushy on me thizzz won’t continue.”  
“Beelz, please. I’m not Aziraphale - I’m not asking you to marry me, or even to date me - I just want to be able to hold you close and kiss the top of your head as a thank-you after mind-blowing sex. That’s all. Nothing gooey, nothing mushy, just a simple ‘thanks for the orgasms’ without having to say the words aloud.”  
“A phyzzzical ‘thankzzz for the orgazzzmzzz’ inzzztead of a verbal one?” Beelzebub asked suspiciously.  
“Exactly.”  
“Fine. But if you get gooey or mushy on me at any other time I swear to Satan I’ll shove the biggezzzt butt plug I can find up your azzz without any lube.”  
“Deal. Speaking of which, are you planning on removing this one?” Gabriel asked.  
“Not until I’ve had food. What did you bring today?” Beelzebub replied, lifting their head.  
“Tim Tams. They’re an--”  
“I know what Tim Tamzzz are!” The demon sat up, excited. “What flavourzzz did you get?”  
“All of them.”  
“ALL of them?”  
“I couldn’t decide which ones to try, so I got one of every variety Arnott’s make.”

Beelzebub kissed Gabriel swiftly and practically flew off the bed to the living room, where they grabbed the bag before racing back to the bed. Gabriel sat up, and Beelzebub laid the biscuits out between them, opening each packet and scarfing down one of every flavour, grinning madly between bites.   
“So that was a good decision then?” Gabriel asked, as he nibbled at a Double Coat Tim Tam.  
“You can kizzz the top of my head azzz much azzz you want, if it meanzzz I get Tim Tamzzz!” Beelzebub crowed.  
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then.”  
“YEZZZ, Gabriel, it wazzz a good dezzzizzzion. Bezzzt dezzzizzzion you ever made. Idiot!”  
“If I’d known you liked them this much, I would have brought them sooner.”  
“Well, you brought them now. Ooooh, wait until I tell Dagon they mizzzed out on Tim Tamzzz!”  
“Dagon likes them too?”   
“We may not eat very often, but EVERY demon lovezzz Tim Tamzzz - Crowley could have prevented the apocalypzzze with them if he’d brought a large enough supply to Hell on the big day, but he wazzz too buzzzy trying to save Azzziraphale azzz well azzz the world to realizzze he had that option.”

They lapsed into near-silence as Beelzebub continued to plough through the vast array of biscuits - the only sounds in the room being their voracious biting and chewing, and Gabriel’s quiet nibbling - until he stopped, eyes wide, and asked “who called earlier?”  
“Oh, Michael. I’m sure it wazzz nothing though.”  
“You. You answered. My phone. You told Michael I was a little tied up. I…”  
“Well you WERE a little tied up, that wazzzn’t a lie.”  
“I’m so screwed, Beelz.”  
“Well yeah, that’zzz the general idea of thizzz arrangement - we screw each other.”  
“YOU ANSWERED MY PHONE, BEELZ! Michael doesn’t know about us. I had hoped to keep it that way, but now, she’s going to ask questions!”  
Beelzebub burst out laughing. “You ARE screwed! In the good way AND the bad way!”  
“Yeah. Now can we please take this plug out before I call her back - I don’t think I can talk to my boss with it still up there.”  
Beelzebub laughed even harder. What a great day this was turning out to be!


	3. Call Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile in Heaven, Michael is wondering what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this little interlude I've hit exactly 55,000 words of Good Omens fic - not including the PG edit of Ineffable Husbands, AO3 notes, or the extra notes I wrote for my Mum and Uncle for their PDF version. And I've written all of that in 5 weeks and one day. Heck!
> 
> The title of this chapter is Blondie's song of the same name.

Meanwhile, in Heaven… 

"Gabriel can't come to the phone right now, he'zzz a little tied up."  
CALL ENDED

Michael looked at her phone, blinking rapidly.  
"Well. That's a thing," she said.  
"What happened? Did he hang up on you?" Haniel asked.  
"No. Beelzebub did."  
"Beelzebub? But I thought you called Gabriel?"  
"I did call Gabriel. Beelzebub answered, said he wasn't available, and hung up on me."  
"Why is Beelzebub answering Gabriel's phone? You don't think he's conspiring against you again, do you?" Haniel asked.  
"No, I think if he was conspiring against me he'd have answered the phone immediately the way he usually does, to avert suspicion. I think he and Beelzebub are…" Michael drifted off, unsure of exactly how to phrase what she thought Gabriel and Beelzebub were doing.  
"Being intimate?"  
"Something along those lines, yes."  
"Is he in love with them, do you think?"  
"I think he's in like with them. He's definitely happier than I've ever seen him."  
"What exactly did Beelzebub say, when they answered?" Haniel asked.  
"They said 'Gabriel can't come to the phone right now, he's a little tied up' - and that was it."

Haniel frowned. "'He's a little tied up' - do you think Beelzebub meant that literally, or figuratively?"  
Michael's eyes widened as she considered the implications of this possibility. "You think he was restrained?"  
"I wouldn't put it past Beelzebub. I wouldn't put ANYTHING past Beelzebub even at the best of times. And if Gabriel is pursuing…intimacy...with them, then I'd say all bets are off."  
Michael clutched her head. "I'm going to have to talk to him about this, aren't I?"  
"That's up to you. You're in charge. Do you WANT to talk to him about it?"  
"No! But I may NEED to, whether I want to or not." 

Time passes differently in Heaven than it does on Earth, and at that moment Michael's phone rang. She pulled a face that indicated *yikes! here we go!* and answered. "Hello, Michael speaking."  
"Michael, it's Gabriel. Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was--"  
"Are you pursuing a relationship with Beelzebub?" Michael interrupted.  
"I. Uh. No? Yes? Sort of? I--"  
"Allow me ask a question with what I hope is a more clear cut answer. Were you with Beelzebub when I called?"  
"Yes."  
"Were you conspiring with Beelzebub against me?"  
"What? No!"  
"Have you completed the tasks I requested of you to the best of your ability?"  
"Yes."  
"Are you in love with Beelzebub?"  
"No. I like spending time with them though. Very much."  
"Are they still there with you?"  
"Yes."  
"Put them on. Now!" 

Michael heard Gabriel say quietly "she wants to speak to you", and a moment later Beelzebub sighed heavily down the phone line before saying disdainfully, "yezzz, Michael?"  
"Are you or are you not pursuing a relationship with Gabriel?"  
"'A relationship' izzz such vague phrazzzing - no wonder Gabriel did not know how to anzzzwer. I am teaching him to enjoy living within hizzz corporation."  
"You…what?"  
"We fuck, we eat chocolate. You are currently interrupting my enjoyment of Tim Tamzzz. Goodbye."  
CALL ENDED

For the second time that day, Michael blinked rapidly at her phone after being hung up on by Beelzebub. Jaw gaping, she looked at Haniel.  
"Dare I ask?" Haniel queried.  
"They - are intimate - and they eat chocolate."  
"So, not conspiring then."  
"Apparently not."  
"Beelzebub didn't phrase it quite the way you did though, did they?"  
"No, they used a very different word. But either way - Gabriel and Beelzebub! After 6000 years of hating each other!" Michael exclaimed.  
"I suppose some things are just ineffable!" Haniel remarked.  
They both laughed until tears were streaming down their cheeks.


	4. Nothin' to Lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh heck, there's actual plot now. 
> 
> Beelzebub makes a startling confession. Gabriel floats a world-changing idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title this time comes from the lyrics of Cherry Bomb, by the Runaways.
> 
> If you haven't read my Ineffable Husbands series, you can head to the End Notes for a tl;dr summary of details you need to know for this chapter to totally make sense.
> 
> I apologise for the abrupt departure from PWP to wrapping up Ineffable Husbands plotlines, but I don't choose my muse - whatever happens happens.

Gabriel was on his knees behind Beelzebub, holding their slender hips as he thrust into them as hard and as fast as he could. They’d been at it for several hours already, and this would be their fourth shared climax of the day - not a record yet, but he was hoping to break that later, if Beelzebub was amenable. The problem was, he was starting to worry about where all this was leading, emotionally. It had been a fortnight since the awkward conversation with Michael, and the even more awkward conversation with Beelzebub afterwards.

_"Are you in love with Beelzebub?"_  
_"No. I like spending time with them though. Very much."_

It was the “very much” that had caused all the anguish. Beelzebub had wanted to know exactly what he meant by that, and he hadn’t really known how to explain it - he just knew it to be true. Beelzebub didn’t want gooey or mushy or affectionate - or so they said - but Gabriel remembered the way they’d collapsed on top of him, head tucked into his neck. Remembered how they’d relaxed as he stroked their back. Remembered how they’d kissed him and raced to get the Tim Tams. Beelzebub needed affection whether they want to admit it or not, and Gabriel wanted to give it to them. He just had to figure out how to give it to them without terminating the arrangement that allowed him to be balls-deep in their Effort, approaching yet another orgasm.

_“You can kizzz the top of my head azzz much azzz you want, if it meanzzz I get Tim Tamzzz!”_

It was this line in particular that convinced Gabriel beyond all doubt that Beelzebub craved affection, but needed a way to excuse it. As Prince of Hell they’d spent millennia tempting and tormenting and cultivating cruelty, but deep down there was still a hint of the angel they’d once been. It had lain dormant for thousands of years, buried under layer upon layer of demonic behaviour, but working with The Revolution (formerly known as Hogwarts! Team Save Earth) had brought it gradually closer to the surface - like a fossil becoming exposed by erosion. And then there’d been the New Year’s party - their kissing lesson - and the sex lessons that had followed. If you’d told Gabriel 6 months earlier that he’d be falling (with a lowercase f) for Beelzebub, he’d have laughed in your face. If you’d told him a decade prior that falling for Beelzebub would prevent him Falling (with an uppercase F), he’d have thought it was a terrible joke, and mocked you for it. Now, on the other hand - now he was trying to figure out where his desire for sex ended and his feelings for the demon began.

With a groan he went over the edge - Beelzebub following suit moments later - and when it ended they lay down, Gabriel behind the demon, in the “big spoon” position as he’d been told it was called. With his knees tucked behind theirs, he slotted one arm under Beelzebub’s neck and wrapped the other around their waist, holding them close. He nuzzled the back of their neck and kissed their shoulders, relishing the brief post-coital moment when the Prince of Hell allowed him to show affection without judgement. A fortnight earlier he’d been granted permission to give physical thanks for the orgasms they shared, and he wanted to see how far he could push those limits before the demon called him out on it.

Beelzebub allowed it to continue for far longer than Gabriel had expected, and when they rolled over it was to kiss him, and tangle their legs together. He brushed their hair out of their eyes, then stroked their cheek as they continued kissing. When the kiss ended, Gabriel continued holding Beelzebub’s face, and said “Beelz, there’s something I need to tell you.”  
“You’re falling for me, aren’t you, dumbazzz?”  
“I... How did you...?”  
“How did I know? It’s obviouzzz, you stupid STUPID angel. The way you kizzz me, the way you hold me, the way you fuck me - it’zzz changed. Now I’m not juzzzt your teacher, showing you what to do, and I’m not juzzzt the conveniently willing outlet for your luzzzt. You take initiative, and you make abzzzolutely certain that I orgazzzm every time you do - and not becauzzze I demand it, but becauzzze YOU WANT ME TO FEEL GOOD! I can FEEL your intentionzzz, Gabriel. You’re not juzzzt fucking me anymore! You’re making - well maybe not LOVE, but you’re making LIKE with me!”

Beelzebub had tears in their eyes by the end of their tirade, and Gabriel smoothed them away gently. “Is it really so bad? If it’s not just fucking?”  
“I’m a DEMON, Gabriel. I’m the PRINZZZE OF HELL. I can’t do thizzz!”  
“Do what, Beelz? Let me fall for you?”  
“No, idiot - you’re an angel, you’re SUPPOZZZED to feel love, in all itzzz formzzz. But I’M NOT!!!”  
“You. Wait. Are you. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”  
“That dependzzz on what you think I’m saying.”  
“Are you…falling for me, too?”  
“Yezzz, you Satan-forzzzaken moron, I’m falling for you. For fuck’zzz sake. Fuck.”  
“Beelz...do you...love me?”  
“No, you fool, I don’t love you - I CAN’T love you - but I like you far too fucking much, and if anyone downzzztairzzz findzzz out, I’m DONE FOR!”  
“Beelz, you’re the second-highest ranking demon there is - what can anyone else in Hell possibly do to you?”  
“Tell the highezzzt ranking demon in Hell. How fucking stupid are you?”

“Very VERY stupid. I didn’t think. What would happen to you, if someone told Satan?”  
“I don’t know. He didn’t care when Crowley azzzended azzz a Caretaker becauzzze Crowley wazzz an utterly uzzzelezzz demon - but he wazzz annoyed at lozzzing Eric, and LIVID at lozzzing Dagon. If I were to follow them it might jeopardizzze all our hard work on Earth.”  
“Wait! You’re not just falling for me - you want to be a Caretaker, too?”  
“I wanted to be a Caretaker long before I started falling for you, you self-absorbed prat. I love my fliezzz. I love the beezzz. I love all the buzzzing inzzzectzzz. I know I’m not worthy of Heaven - I enjoy seeing horrible people being stung by wazzzpzzz and bitten by mozzzquitozzz too much - but being a Caretaker izzz like being a human with miraclezzz. Free will. Being allowed to love without having to hide it. And never having to put in any real effort to clean up the mezzz after sexzzz.”

“Beelz. If you want to be a Caretaker so badly, just DO it. God will--”  
“NO! I’m not relying on God to stop Satan from dezzztroying the Earth. I’ve worked too hard for too long to let him kill everything I care about in a rage. I won’t rizzzk it!”  
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”  
“I shouldn’t be telling you now!”  
“Beelz. Baby--”  
“DON’T call me ‘baby’ - yuck!”  
“Sugar? Honey? Sweetness?”  
“No! No pet namezzz! You’re lucky I let you get away with Beelz!”  
“Beelz...what if God made EVERYONE a Caretaker? All the angels, all the demons. Satan included?”  
“She wouldn't. Not unlezzz they wanted it - not unlezzz he wanted it. And I very much doubt he'd want that.”  
“OK, so everybody except him then. All the Choirs, all the Torments. All of us, united. Not in Heaven, not in Hell - on Earth. We already work together. The leaders already party together. What if we live together, too?”  
“So what, Satan getzzz Hell all to himzzzelf?”  
“Sure.”  
“And God?”  
“Can do as She pleases, obviously.”

“What about Humanity?”  
“We live and work alongside them. We live...like them. We…”  
“You want to copy Azzziraphale and Crowley! Buy a houzzze and get married, and have babiezzz!”  
“I wouldn’t call those snakes they foster ‘babies’, and I don’t know about getting married, but sharing a comfortable home with someone I care about - preferably someone who also fucks like an A-grade demon - maybe some beehives in the backyard…”  
"YOU want to keep beezzz?"  
"I like honey. I like you. And it'd make you happy, wouldn't it?"  
"It would, but Gabriel, it'zzz not pozzzible. It'zzz not. I--"  
Gabriel silenced Beelzebub's protests by kissing them, letting his feelings flow wordlessly through his lips.  
"I'm going to suggest the Caretaker idea at the next gathering of The Revolution. If they think it's impossible, I promise I'll never mention it again. If they think it could work, I'll petition God myself."  
"You would do that?"  
"I would." 

They lay quietly for a time, Gabriel still stroking his thumb over Beelzebub's cheek as the demon gazed at him with a crease between their brows, worrying at their bottom lip with their teeth. He could see it in their face when they came to a decision - their face relaxed and they let out a breath he hadn't realised they'd been holding.  
"We’ll have to tell Michael firzzzt. Otherwizzze she'll certainly think we've been conzzzpiring. And WE will prezzzent the idea to The Revolution - TOGETHER."  
"Together?"  
"Yezzz, Gabriel, together. Not holding handzzz or arm in arm or any of that mushy nonzzzenzzze - but side by side. And IF they think it'zzz not completely batshit inzzzane, we'll petition God together too."  
Gabriel kissed Beelzebub again.  
"Together." 

They lay intertwined for some time - Beelzebub’s purported disdain for affection notwithstanding - until the demon stretched, pressing themself against Gabriel. They kissed him, and taking hold of his Effort in one hand, brought it swiftly to full attention, before shoving his shoulder so that he rolled onto his back. The Prince of Hell then straddled the angel and lowered themself into position, grinding their pelvis against his. Gabriel loved the way they looked seated over him, head thrown back. He reached up and cupped their breasts with his hands, gently pinching the nipples. Beelzebub bit their lower lip and keened, then picked up speed until their frenetic motion resulted in both of them moaning in ecstasy once again. Gabriel put his arms around the demon as they laid their head on his chest, holding them tightly to himself. Beelzebub’s personality was so large it was easy to forget how small their corporation was, and Gabriel marvelled at how two such differently shaped bodies could fit together so well.

Beelzebub on the other hand was trying very hard NOT to imagine what Satan would say if they became a Caretaker without every other angel and demon doing likewise. _Fucking_ Gabriel could be justified by saying it was a temptation - an attempt to make him Fall. _Liking_ Gabriel could be justified by saying they were succeeding - he was a pathetic excuse for an angel, better suited to being a demon - it made sense to like him, if he was more aligned with them than he had any right to be. _Working_ with the Caretakers could be justified with the very reasoning Dagon had used a little over a decade ago - tormenting other demons got boring after a while - humanity needed to survive to keep things interesting - and the rest of the planet needed to survive if humanity was going to have any chance of doing so. But _BECOMING_ a Caretaker - there was no way of justifying that to Satan that ended well. The only chance they had was Gabriel’s foolhardy plan - but if it worked - _IF_ it worked - they’d both be Caretakers, and Beelzebub would be free to do as they wished. There were so many obstacles standing between them and freedom that seemed insurmountable, and Beelzebub despaired. Hope was for angels. 

After resting for some time, Beelzebub lifted their head and asked "what snackzzz did you bring today?"  
"I didn't." Gabriel answered quietly.  
"What?” Beelzebub gave Gabriel’s chest a light smack. “That'zzz the deal! I bring the skillzzz, you bring the snackzzz!"  
"I know - but this is a hotel. Have you ever looked at the room service menu?"  
"No, I've never had need to look at it!"  
"Well, I noticed it the last time we were here, and I had a read through it. They have an entire section of the menu dedicated to desserts. I thought perhaps we could order something from it."  
"You've been spending too much time with Azzziraphale - he'zzz rubbing off on you!"  
"I don't spend that much time with Aziraphale. I think it's just that I've been spending more time on Earth, so I've started noticing things I hadn't previously."  
"What are we ordering, then?" Beelzebub asked.  
"I was thinking we could get the mud cake because we'll both enjoy that, and maybe the sticky date pudding - it sounds interesting."  
"You memorizzzed the menu?" Beelzebub raised an eyebrow.  
"Just the desserts section." 

Beelzebub looked at Gabriel incredulously, and laughed when he called to request 3 servings of mud cake, and one of sticky date. He knew them well enough to order lots of chocolate, so that was something. The treats arrived in short order - devilishly decadent and divinely delicious they disappeared swiftly, leaving both angel and demon smiling contentedly when they were finished.  
"So how are we putting your idea to The Revolution?" Beelzebub asked, after licking the last remnants of dessert from their lips.  
"Simply, I should think. No need to over complicate a plan that's really quite straightforward." Gabriel answered, pleased to hear "we" rather than "you" in the demon's query.  
"And Michael? She might not take kindly to lozzzing her position again."  
"I'm not after her position though, and she can still be part of the leadership team, there's no reason why she can't."  
"When are you going to approach her about it?"  
"As soon as I can. I think that's wisest, don't you?"  
"I'm not convinzzzed any of thizzz izzz wizzze, but that'zzz probably the leazzzt stupid tactic, all thingzzz conzzzidered. 

Gabriel looked at Beelzebub fondly. Coming from them that was high praise. They’d been gradually insulting him less often, and he had to admit he rather missed it. The dynamic between them had definitely changed, and it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that they’d noticed it too. He leaned over and kissed Beelzebub briefly, then got up and found his phone. Returning to the sofa, he sent a message saying “Need to talk to you at your earliest convenience about something important. Please let me know when you’re available.” He received a response almost immediately. “I have 10 minutes to spare right now. Is that enough?” His eyes flew wide - he’d hoped for a little preparation time!  
Seeing the startled expression, Beelzebub asked, “What izzz it?”  
“Michael has 10 minutes right now.”  
“Fine. Let’zzz get it over with. We should probably get drezzzed though.”  
“You want to be there too?”  
“Yezzz. I want to see the look on her fazzze when you suggezzzt it.”

They dressed swiftly and miracled the hotel suite tidy, then Gabriel replied to Michael, asking that she join them, which she did moments later with her usual flash of light.  
“Gabriel. Beelzebub. You have something urgent to discuss?” she asked upon her arrival.  
“Important rather than urgent, but I appreciate you making the time to talk with us.” Gabriel said.  
“Azzz do I,” Beelzebub added.  
Michael looked from one to the other, and asked “what exactly is this about?”  
“I...that is to say, we...we…” Gabriel froze, looking at Beelzebub.  
“Oh for pity’zzz sake, idiot,” Beelzebub rolled their eyes at Gabriel before looking at Michael and continuing confidently, “what thizzz dumbazzz izzz TRYING to say izzz, we want to become Caretakerzzz. Both of uzzz. I am conzzzerned that Satan will dezzztroy the Earth if I azzzend. We intend to put a propzzzal to The Revolution that we requezzzt God make ALL willing angelzzz and demonzzz Caretakerzzz in one fell swoop to minimizzze the chanzzzezzz of that happening. We thought you dezzzerved to know before we make that propozzzal.”  
Michael stood silently - clearly stunned - before finally asking “how many know about this?”  
“Just the three of us,” Gabriel assured her.  
“And God, if She’zzz eavezzzdropping,” Beelzebub corrected.

Michael frowned at the accusing tone in Beelzebub’s voice, then gave Gabriel a half-smile. “I didn’t know you wanted to be a Caretaker.”  
“Neither did I until today, when Beelz said THEY want to, but feared Satan’s wrath. I realised...well, I realised quite a few things if I’m being honest - but it occurred to me that if we were ALL Caretakers, we could work together to stop Satan from destroying everything,” Gabriel explained.  
“And where do you see yourself, if this were to happen?” Michael asked.  
“On Earth, with Beelz.”  
“And me?”  
“That’s up to you. If you want to stay in Heaven, you stay in Heaven - in charge of anyone who doesn’t want to descend. If you want to be a Caretaker, then you come down here and live on Earth too.”  
“Do you see me leading, if I become a Caretaker?” Michael queried.  
“You’ll still be part of the core team for The Revolution either way, but I think we should vote on leadership for the Caretakers, if enough of us transfer from both sides. It seems fitting. You could stand as a candidate, if you wanted to,” Gabriel said, with a half-smile of his own.  
“Would you oppose me?”  
“No, Michael, I don’t want that. I’m much happier now - I’m sure you’ve noticed.”  
“I have. Very well. Do you want me to back the idea when you present it?”  
“If you support it, then yes, we’d appreciate that.”  
“Beelzebub?” Michael prompted.  
“Yezzz, if you support it then by all meanzzz say so,” they said, rolling their eyes.

“RIght, well, I have to go. If there’s nothing else?” Michael asked.  
“There izzz one other thing,” Beelzebub said. “When are you available for a meeting with The Revolution?”  
“I could do the day after tomorrow, if that suits the others,” Michael answered.  
“Thank you, Michael,” Gabriel said, clasping her hand in his own.  
“Don’t thank me until we’re through all of this. Change is rarely easy - especially on such a grand scale.”  
“It’s good change though, so…”  
“So there will be fewer who fight it - not none.”  
“I’m pleazzzed to see you’re lezzz of a fool than thizzz idiot,” Beelzebub interjected.  
“I’m neither a fool nor an idiot - I’m an optimist - or trying to be, at any rate,” Gabriel argued.  
“Same difference!” “Same differenzzze, dumbazzz!” Michael and Beelzebub retorted simultaneously.  
They smiled at one another, and with a nod, Michael left with another flash of light.

“You want to hold an election?!” Beelzebub asked, the moment Michael was gone.  
“It just came to me, as I was talking to Michael. I’m sorry to spring that on you,” Gabriel said.  
“You really have gone native!” Beelzebub accused.  
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”  
“It IZZZ a good idea - it’zzz a great idea, even. But It’zzz not one I exzzzpected you to come up with on the spur of the moment.”  
“Me neither!”  
“You keep surprizzzing me, Gabriel. I didn’t think you could after so many yearzzz, but you do.” Beelzebub kissed Gabriel, holding his face in their hands, then added gleefully “and now I get to call a meeting of The Revolution!”

Two days later they gathered at Aziraphale and Crowley’s house - the original Caretakers were happy to host the meeting, as their place was considered neutral territory. Michael and Haniel represented Heaven. Beelzebub alone represented Hell. Dagon and Eric were there as Caretakers. Anathema, Adam, and Pepper stood for Humanity - Brian and Wensleydale had been unable to attend on such short notice, and the billionaires all had prior engagements. Warlock had said he’d try to make it but had yet to appear - he was in the midst of planning his wedding to Alicia, so they didn’t really expect him to show. 

When everyone was gathered, Crowley turned to Beelzebub and said “you called this urgent meeting - is something wrong?”  
“Gabriel and I have something we wish to dizzzcuzzz with you. We have already informed Michael, azzz a courtezzzy.”  
Aziraphale looked from Beelzebub to Gabriel and asked “what are you two plotting?”  
“It’s not a PLOT, Aziraphale. It’s a PLAN,” Gabriel said forcefully.  
Aziraphale and Crowley looked at him with the twin looks of scepticism common to married couples who’ve heard one two many tall tales from belligerent offspring - or former bosses.  
Beelzebub put a restraining hand on Gabriel’s elbow, and frowning at Aziraphale, said “he’zzz telling the truth. It’zzz not a plot. I want to become a Caretaker.”  
The twinned scepticism turned on Beelzebub with full force, as Crowley said “YOU - Beelzebub, Prince of Hell and Lord of Flies - want to be a Caretaker. Yeah, right!”  
Beelzebub turned to Gabriel, their forehead scrunched. “If they don’t believe me, what makezzz you think God will?”  
“For one thing, God will see in your heart that you mean it.”  
“Wait - this isn’t a joke?” Crowley asked.  
“No, it’s not a joke. Beelz wants to be a Caretaker, and so do I,” Gabriel answered.  
“Do you believe this?” Aziraphale asked Michael.  
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do. They haven’t told you even a third of the plan yet. You should hear them out,” she answered.

Gabriel gave Michael an appreciative look, and explained the plan in its entirety. When he’d concluded, everyone but Michael was stunned - she hadn’t told Haniel, thinking it best to give Gabriel and Beelzebub the opportunity to present it themselves. Beelzebub then spoke up once more.  
“What we’d like you to do, izzz tell uzzz whether you think thizzz idea izzz worth bringing before God, or whether it izzz completely inzzzane.”  
Gabriel looked around at the group, and said “well - what do you think?”  
Aziraphale and Crowley glanced at each other and communicated silently for a moment, before Crowley answered “why can’t it be both?”  
Everyone laughed at this, then Beelzebub asked “so doezzz that mean you think we should go ahead?”  
They received nods all around, and Dagon clasped Beelzebub’s hands. “You’re going to love being a Caretaker, Beelz. It’s the best!”  
Aziraphale, Crowley, and Eric nodded much more enthusiastically at this, and Eric grinned. “Dagon’s right. I wouldn’t go back to being a demon for anything!”

Adam being Adam, he had to ask the pertinent if not necessarily polite question. “Are you two a couple now? Is that why you both want to be Caretakers?”  
Beelzebub and Gabriel shared a silent exchange very much like Aziraphale and Crowley’s, before Beelzebub answered, “THAT izzz none of your buzzzinezzz, former Antichrizzzt. That’zzz between Gabriel, myzzzelf, and MAYBE God, if she izzz azzz nozzzey azzz you.”  
“That’s a yes - or near enough to it!” Adam said.  
“No, it’zzz--”  
“It definitely wasn’t a ‘no’ though, was it?” Pepper argued.  
“It’zzz--”  
“We are fond of each other but have yet to ‘define the relationship’, as you young people would say,” Gabriel put in.  
“Wooooooooooo, Gabby loves Beelz, Gabby loves Beelz…” Adam sang.  
“What are you, TWELVE?!” Pepper asked in a tone that clearly expressed how ridiculous she thought he was being.  
“Gabby and Beelz are sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N---oof!” Adam’s nonsense was cut off as Pepper hit him in the face with a cushion.  
Beelzebub and Gabriel were both blushing furiously with their heads in their hands.  
“Newt did mention finding the two of you under the willow at New Year’s,” Anathema said, in a lightly teasing tone.  
“FINE!” Gabriel stood, looking for all the world like an avenging angel about to slaughter the enemy. “You really want to know? Beelzebub has been giving me lessons since New Year, and like the idiots we both apparently are, emotions have got involved as well as our bodies. Satisfied?” Taking Beelzebub’s hand he pulled them upright, then stormed out to the backyard, energy crackling around them both.

When they reached the bottom of the yard Gabriel turned as if to march straight back, but Beelzebub caught his arm, and held him firmly in place. They stood on tiptoe and kissed him - heatedly at first - but it gradually became tender, until at last Gabriel broke the kiss, and stood with his head drooping against Beelzebub’s shoulder.  
After a moment’s peaceful embrace, the Prince of Hell lifted Gabriel’s chin gently, and looking intently into his violet eyes said, “I need to azzzk you something, and I need you to anzzzwer me honezzztly.”  
Gabriel nodded, and Beelzebub continued. “Are you in love with me?”  
Gabriel took a deep breath, and blew it out quickly. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before, so I don’t know what that feels like. It’s possible though - that that’s how humanity would describe the way I feel about you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know for certain that I like you very much, that I care about you, and that I want to spend more time with you. You’re the person whose opinion matters to me more than anyone else’s. If that’s being ‘in love’, then yes, I’m in love with you. If it’s not, then...I still don’t know.”  
Beelzebub gave him a small smile, and said “I’ve never been in love either, but I azzzked Dagon yezzzterday how it felt to be in love with Eric. They dezzzcribed almozzzt exzzzactly what you just said. And that’zzz how I feel about you, too.”  
“But the other day! You said you didn’t love me!” Gabriel exclaimed.  
“I know what I said, but apparently I wazzz mizzztaken.”

With his arms already wrapped around the demon, Gabriel spun Beelzebub around, whooping like an excited child. “So does this mean we’re a couple?”  
“Do we need to define our relationship in such human termzzz?”  
“If we’re going to live amongst them, it’s probably easier if we do.”  
“Then I suppozzze it probably doezzz. I still don’t want any mushy nonzzzenzzze in public though. In private, a little bit. But not in public!”  
“Does this count as public or private?”  
“This izzz uzzz figuring ourselvezzz out before we go back and deal with a bunch of nozzzey bazzztardzzz. If they’ve been watching, then they’re voyeurzzz.”  
“Should we go back now, do you think?”  
“Probably. We need to sort out the detailzzz for the Caretaker plan.”  
“Yes, we do.” They kissed briefly, then headed up the yard.

Nine backsides swiftly returned to seats, but there were smirks all round as they re-entered the house, and it was fairly obvious they’d been observed.  
“Yezzz, we’re a couple. No, we don’t want to dizzzcuzzz it. We need to work on the plan for the mazzz-tranzzzformation of demonzzz and angelzzz to Caretakerzzz. That izzz our priority,” Beelzebub informed the group.  
Respecting this businesslike approach, Michael said, “I think we actually need to offer three options - a) remain as one is, b) become a Caretaker, or c) become human. I know of several angels who have previously expressed that wish, and I imagine some demons feel likewise. Even I have had moments when eternity felt entirely too long.”  
“We can’t afford to offer humanity azzz an option. With the exzzzeption of Adam, no human could stand up to Satan and survive it.”  
“We can’t force them to become something they’d rather not, either.”  
“Fine. If God wantzzz to grant three optionzzz, She can grant three optionzzz - but we both need to encourage our people to choozzze optionzzz with power. There izzz no point in doing thizzz if Satan dezzztroyzzz everything.”  
“We don’t yet know if God will offer ANY options,” Gabriel interjected.  
“Then let’s ask Her,” Aziraphale said.

After nods from each person, Aziraphale stood, and raising his voice just slightly, said “God, if possible, may we please have an audience with you?”  
A young woman appeared, recognised by those gathered as Kitty Trousers - God’s preferred personification in the present day. She spoke to Aziraphale - as the person who had requested her presence - saying “you wished to speak with Me, Aziraphale?”  
“We did, and thank you for coming so swiftly. Gabriel and Beelzebub have brought a proposal to us, which we’ve agreed should be shared with You. They should be the ones to tell You.”  
“Very well. Gabriel. Beelzebub. What is this proposal?”  
Beelzebub stood, and with no less confidence than when presenting it to Michael previously, said “we would like to become Caretakerzzz. I am conzzzerned that Satan will dezzztroy the Earth in vengenzzze if I do. We would like you to give all demonzzz and angelzzz the opportunity to become Caretakerzzz - all at onzzze - so that we might work together to prevent him. Michael hazzz alzzzo suggezzzted that some may prefer to be human, or remain azzz they are. We would azzzk you to allow each demon and angel to make thizzz choizzze.”

God sat, stunned. She had never been stunned before, so it was a novel sensation, and She chose to savour it while it lasted. For Beelzebub - the second highest ranked demon in Hell - to be making this request was astounding. That they’d made it without so much as flinching was impressive. God smiled at them, and asked “why do you want to be a Caretaker, Beelzebub?”  
“I am no longer content in Hell - I do not belong there. Azzz I said to Gabriel, I am not worthy of Heaven - I enjoy watching awful people be stung and bitten by insectzzz - suffering they dezzzerve. But I know humanzzz who feel likewizzze - it izzz not purely demonic to enjoy that. I do not wish to be human - I cannot stop Satan without powerzzz humanzzz do not have. Becoming a Caretaker would allow me to continue my work, and grant me freedom I do not currently enjoy.”  
“And what freedom is that, Beelzebub?”  
“The freedom to love.”  
“To love?” God asked.  
“I have alwayzzz loved my fliezzz. I came to love beezzz and other buzzzing insectzzz yearzzz ago. That was acczzzeptable, azzz it wazzz seen azzz my affinity. Now I love Gabriel, though I am not free to do so openly.”

If God had been stunned earlier, She was now positively flabbergasted. “You love Gabriel?”  
“And he lovezzz me.”  
“Is this true?” God asked, turning to Gabriel.  
“Yes, it’s true. I love Beelzebub. Unless we’re mistaken, I’m IN love with Beelzebub,” he answered.  
“How have I missed this?” God asked nobody in particular.  
“Busy elsewhere?” Anathema suggested.  
“Rather. Though I still should have noticed these two falling in love. It’s unprecedented!”  
“Oi, what are we, chopped liver?” Crowley asked, indignant.  
“You two were in love for 6000 years before you finally did something about it - I had more than enough time to notice, and frankly I was getting sick of waiting by the time you did. I was aware of Eric and Dagon - and Michael and Haniel - because they took things quite gradually. For me to not realise that Gabriel and Beelzebub were headed down the same path at a much greater pace - THAT is unprecedented.”  
“So - will you make thizzz offer to all demonzzz and angelzzz?” Beelzebub asked.  
“I will. Immediately. I want honest answers with no undue influence.”

God closed Her eyes. Gabriel, Beelzebub, Michael and Haniel heard the question in their minds, and all four chose to become Caretakers. Every angel in Heaven heard it, and most chose likewise. A few chose to become human, Uriel and Sandalphon chose to remain, and a small group asked for more time to decide - which they were granted. Every demon in Hell heard it, with only Satan, Hastur and Ligur choosing to remain. Two chose to be human, with everyone else taking up the Caretaker mantle. Those who had chosen humanity were given homes in the parts of the world they liked best, and lived contentedly for several decades before dying of natural causes. Those who had chosen to become Caretakers found themselves in locations where they worked most often, free to pursue lives wherever on Earth they chose. Their wings, when they opened them, would be rainbows of varying tones. 

When the moment - which seemed both infinite and infinitesimal - had passed, the four new Caretakers stood, and thanked God for granting them the choice. She accepted their thanks gladly, then bid the group farewell. Adam, Pepper, and Anathema departed next, followed by Eric, Dagon, Michael and Haniel - Michael and Haniel would stay next door with Eric and Dagon until they found a suitable place of their own. Finally, Gabriel and Beelzebub departed, leaving Aziraphale and Crowley to enjoy their privacy. Upon returning to Beelzebub’s penthouse, the two new Caretakers wrapped their arms around each other and kissed passionately. It had been a momentous day, and they deserved an orgasm or seven to celebrate.

After their lovemaking (and it WAS now lovemaking, there was no denying it), they lay in each other’s arms, sated and pleasantly sore. Eventually Gabriel said “Beelz?”  
“Hmmm?” they replied.  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too, dumbazzz. Just don’t exzzzpect me to say it too often. I’m still me. Being a Caretaker hasn’t changed that.”  
“I don’t want you to change, Beelz. I just wanted to say it, this once.”  
“That’zzz fine - we can say it on special occazzzionzzz.”  
“Today’s a very special occassion.”  
“It izzz. Now, how about you ply me with chocolate, to continue the celebrationzzz.”  
“Mmmm, chocolate sounds good to me, too.”

Gabriel miracled up all their favourites - Death By Chocolate cake, Double Coat Tim Tams, Spanish hot chocolate drinks, truffles with flavoured centres, and chocolate body paint - which inevitably led to more lovemaking. Beelzebub even told Gabriel that he might now be skilled enough for an orgy, if he was interested - but he declined, stating that he really didn’t want anyone else. I’d say they lived happily ever after - but eternity is a VERY long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TL;DR summary:**
> 
> *God made Aziraphale and Crowley a new rank of angel, called Caretakers - they're Earthly angels, not Heavenly ones.
> 
> *Eric the disposable demon (the pretty one with the long eyelashes) later requested to join them, and Dagon eventually did too.
> 
> *Caretakers have rainbow wings. Aziraphale's are pastels, Crowley's are dark, and Eric's are vibrant like a Pride flag. I haven't described Dagon's, but they'd be rainbow of some sort too.
> 
> *Aziraphale and Crowley got married, and are living in Winchester, on the South Downs.
> 
> *Gabriel was demoted, and Michael restored to the leadership of Heaven.
> 
> *Haniel is an angel God chose to be Michael's assistant (because Uriel and Sandalphon could not be trusted), and the two have become very close.
> 
> *The angels, demons, and Caretakers have been working with a core group of humans to save the earth. They were originally known as Team Save Earth, then Hogwarts!, and eventually The Revolution.
> 
> *At the the turn of the new year from 2029 to 2030, Aziraphale and Crowley hosted a party for this collection of beings to celebrate a decade of working together - which Gabriel gate-crashed. He kissed Beelzebub at midnight, and was terrible at it. Beelzebub then gave him kissing lessons, and promised to teach him other pleasures of the flesh - which led us to chapter one of Ineffable Bureaucracy.
> 
> *God has a humansona known as Catherine Amelia Trousers - Kitty for short. She's a young woman I've never designated an appearance for, because I want everyone to imagine Her as they choose. For me She looks like Sylvia Tilly from Star Trek Discovery (my profile pic) because I'm a redhead with wild curls myself - but if you see Her more like Mulan, Moana, Princess Leia, Sarah Connor, Michael Burnham (also from Star Trek Discovery), or someone you know in real life - then those are all equally valid. I'm not here to tell you what God looks like, just that She exists in this story. Maybe don't imagine Her looking like the Borg Queen though, that's a bit much.

**Author's Note:**

> **Playlist:**  
[Buttons](https://youtu.be/VCLxJd1d84s) \- The Pussycat Dolls feat. Snoop Dogg  
[S&M](https://youtu.be/KdS6HFQ_LUc) \- Rihanna  
[Call Me](https://youtu.be/StKVS0eI85I) \- Blondie  
[Cherry Bomb](https://youtu.be/_EBvXpjudf8) \- The Runaways  
[I Touch Myself](https://youtu.be/wv-34w8kGPM) \- The Divinyls  
[I Was Made For Lovin' You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhIsAZO5gl0) \- Kiss  
[Hurts So Good](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dOsbsuhYGQ) \- John Mellencamp  
[Pony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnoG2dsUk0) \- Ginuwine  
[Phenomenon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQsd7y5YbZw) \- LL Cool J  
[I See You Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzQ1__h35bA) \- Groove Armada  
[The Bad Touch](https://youtu.be/xat1GVnl8-k) \- The Bloodhound Gang  
[Sex on Fire](https://youtu.be/RF0HhrwIwp0) \- Kings of Leon  
[Chop and Change](https://youtu.be/eCJp9ED3ivA) \- The Black Keys  
[Push It](https://youtu.be/vCadcBR95oU) \- Salt-N-Pepa  
[Deep](https://youtu.be/GBFwXoyjU2E) \- Nine Inch Nails  
[Painted On My Heart](https://youtu.be/bBGcQ2-W768) \- The Cult  
[Bad Romance](https://youtu.be/qrO4YZeyl0I) \- Lady Gaga  
[Justify My Love](https://youtu.be/Np_Y740aReI) \- Madonna  
[Partition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ12_E5R3qc) \- Beyoncé  
[Do I Wanna Know?](https://youtu.be/bpOSxM0rNPM) \- Arctic Monkeys  
[A Girl Like You](https://youtu.be/6oqJ0JpMj6I) \- Edwyn Collins
> 
> Bonus track: [Bon Appétit](https://youtu.be/dPI-mRFEIH0) \- Katy Perry feat. Migos - mentioned by the lovely Ange in comments on chapter 2.


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